Elevator Surgery

IN THE FUTURE, instead of elevator music there will be elevator plastic surgery.

This will be provided in most workplaces for employees, to give them that additional "lift," and enhance their focus and productivity.

The rider will select various options (shorter nose, facelift, third eye--very popular in the future with the younger crowd, various liposuctions, bee-stung lips, etc.) and this dramatic change will be accomplished in approximately ten minutes or less.

The individual in question will be rendered unconscious and motionless in approximately three seconds by select neurotoxins and a powerful future anesthetic with no risk whatsoever. A sort of metal octopus, a body cage, will shoot out of the walls and will hold the subject in midair as many smaller metal arms and hands emerge and begin to work their magic.

These robotic hands will be able to resculpt the body, control bleeding, stabilize all bodily functions and clean up any mess without any need for human mediation or supervision.

This will be extremely popular among most male and female employees, but companies will find they need to limit access to this popular emolument, as certain employees will abuse this, continually changing their features when they are trying to catch the eye of a particular office crush. They will keep undergoing elevator surgery in the hopes of finding that one irresistible face and figure.

Companies will put sanctions in place for individuals who abuse this privilege.

Among their co-workers these people will be referred to (quite disparagingly) as "elevator-wads."

They will be guilty of the worst crime (according to society's unwritten laws) not punishable by law. This is, of course, lack of self-confidence.

Some things will never change. Not even in the future.

When someone will be called "elevator-wad," they will most likely pretend it doesn't bother them, then cry later in the bathroom, and fantasize about finding ways to circumvent the elevator limit and find that perfect face that will finally make them happy.

Of course this face doesn't exist. He or she will remain a perpetual elevator-wad.

This nasty epithet will hold pretty much the same stigma the word "ugly" holds today, since in the future no one will be ugly.