You Take the Good, You Take the Bad

IN THE FUTURE will you run (barefoot) through fields with me? Not the kind of fields with crop circles. I mean Kim Fields. You know, Tootie from NBC's long-running 1980's sitcom The Facts of Life. How does a girl earn the name Tootie, by the way? I wonder if the writers, before they put pen to page, really sat down and fleshed out a backstory. I always imagined it was because she broke wind a lot. She looked like the kind of girl who would have trouble digesting certain raw vegetables, like celery and artichokes, for example.

Tootie, if you're reading this, I want you to wrap your ass lips around my big Polish nose, as if you were a Chinese finger trap for noses, and I want you to fart your spicy-sweet love into my periphery. I want to hear your ass lips whisper, "Get out of my dreams, get into my car," while you're trapping my nose in the rain in the St-Germain-des-Pres, somewhere around Les Deux Magots. But, wait, don't speak with your mouth full, Tootie-ass-lips, and don't you fucking dare to cry, thinking about Nancy McKeon and that muffin-top mullet she had. And why won't that bitch return for reunion specials, by the way?