The First Foxfur President

IN THE FUTURE, the not-too-distant future, America will get its first furry President.

His name will be Chad Philbin. He will be a great grandson of Regis.

Furries are people who fetishize animals (plushies if they are into stuffed animals), and enjoy dressing up like animals, role playing as animals and sometimes having sex while in their animal persona (fursona, to be more exact) , often with another individual also romping in his or her animal persona.

The first furry president of the United States will be a "foxfur," which means his particular turn on is fox-play.

He will be elected with the slogan "Crazy Like a Fox," after one of his Republican opponents unwittingly calls him crazy. That was the moment Chad's campaign managers had been (somewhat deviously) waiting for.

President Philbin will have a First Vixen instead of a First Lady.

She will look adorable with her fox snout and long lashes...she will never appear in public out of her foxfur persona during their entire eight year occupancy of the White House.

She will actually be very popular as internet masturbation fodder when several very revealing photos and videos of her in her foxy bedroom play are released, photos and videos from before her marriage to Chad.

Instead of apologizing to the nation for these photos and videos being released, or hiding from the fallout, Chad and his First Vixen will speak publicly. They will be the model of decorum and maturity.

With his First Vixen at his side, he will say, "I think she's unbelievably hot in those videos and photos. Seeing her with that camel especially turned me on. And the monkey scene was unbelievably good! And that Vixen on Vixen scene? Wooo-eeee! You're amazing, honey. Thank You, whoever released those! It makes me want to get yiffy with it right now!"

Then he will turn and kiss his foxy lady and the public will cheer.

A brief explanation of the term yiffy for you people who have not yet arrived in this glorious, highly-eroticized, anthropomorphic future: In furry fandom, furries often enjoy erotic art featuring furries or their animal familiars "doing the do," and this style of art is known as yiffy art. Another similarly-derived term in the furry lexicon is a "yiffy fur", which describes a furry who is sexually aroused. "Yiff" is used to signify sexual activity or material. "The postulated etymology of the term within the subculture is that it is an onomatopoeia for the sound foxes make when mating," an early 21st century grammarian speculated. Sometimes the term "furvert" is used, either humorously--or rudely--to describe the devotees of furry fandom.

President Chad will sometimes humorously refer to himself as a "furvert" and will often talk about "getting yiffy with it," and America will come to love him for his natural earthy humor and candor.

America's first furry president will look adorable on money when he finally makes it to the five dollar bill. (People will have forgotten who Lincoln is by then...he will just be "that creepy green man.") But this will be after our first foxfur president dies, of course.

By that point in time, he will have earned his place on that currency.

While alive, he will help America mature enormously.

He will of course secure animal rights and help Americans move towards a vegetarian or vegan diet.

He will finally have America sign the new Kyoto Accord commiting us to a responsible environmental course, and he will stop America's tendency for warmongering and cultural imperialism.

America will finally be liked by the world.

An assassination attempt will be made by one of the Beefeater militants, but the foxfur president will actually pounce upon the would-be assassin himself and use a special scent-gland he had created for his outfit to temporarily blind his attacker. This will earn him mad respect from the citizens of this country.

People will long talk about his White House parties and soirees, where many of the Foxfur First Couple's closest furries and plushie friends will of course be invited.

There will be many celebrated photos of these White House dinners and parties, with long tables immaculately set and covered with sumptuous dishes being enjoyed by dozens of different animals from reindeer to tigers, from kangaroos to polar bears.

President Chad will go down in history as one of our finest Presidents, and will be remembered long after people think Ronald Reagan was "that guy who wore the clown outfit and poisoned generations of Americans with artery-clogging dead matter."

President Chad will be remembered as a great man, if just a little bit a "phreak."

His most celebrated biography will be titled A Gentleman and an Animal.

This book will be read long after Profiles in Courage lies in the landfills of forgotten history, next to those pink plastic "feminine hygiene" applicators that cause toxic shock.