Paintpigs and Paintstones

IN THE FUTURE, tears will be regulated by the government.

Like everything else they get their grubby little bureaucratic paws on, they will mismanage this horribly.

People in the future will be highly medicated. The pharmacopoetic feelings will mostly keep them exactly where they need to be emotionally, but there will still be the usual tragedies, disasters and (of course) love there to upset them even beyond the reach of their medication lullaby sometimes.

The government will prescribe the correct number of times one should cry in one's life; this will be expressed as a numerical range.

The GRLQ (Government-Recommended Lacrimal Quota) will ultimately settle in at the range of 14 to 19.

That means the average citizen will be expected to cry between fourteen to nineteen times in his or her life.

No more. No less.

Babies and toddlers will be given special government exemption, of course. Once the fourth birthday is achieved, however, the expecatations and enforcement will be draconian and unforgiving.

The government (and doubt not: at this point in time we are talking world government; all the criminals finally got together) will get creative here with tears.

They will issue "paint cards" at the birth of each citizen.

Citizens are to keep one or more of these on them at all times.

When the (rare) urge to cry hits, you are to allow your tears to fall upon this small square of durable plastic, which is approximately the size of a credit card.

Your tears will reveal a hidden painting (chemically invisible until contact with your emotional outpouring) of great beauty, to be cherished.

Each card is an original, created by artistic citizens working within the Bureau of Tears, under the Department of Emotional Stabilization (the government finally realized in the late 22nd century this was a completely necessary addition to the Cabinet).

Citizens will cherish their little tear paintings, and it will be a sign of true intimacy when someone shows you their collection, or one from their collection. They will most likely be sharing their most treasured (government-regulated) feelings.

The government of the future will have realized that it is important to allow people their humanity; but to regulate this humanity is even more important....from a governmental point of view.

Sometimes someone, usually a teenager, will say "what's the big fucking deal with the cards?"

This person will usually quickly disappear, and reappear later with a much healthier attitude towards paint cards.

Crying will assume an almost religious significance in the world of the future.

Crying will be hoarded like gold.

Unfortunately, the bourgeois element will continue on, and crying will be abused as a status marker and as a clique magnet. For instance, some mothers will schedule "My Daughter's First Tears" parties for their wealthy friends and carefully prepare their daughter for her debutante moment in the presence of many friends and her parents' business associates.

This will be a rather debased form of the bas mitzvah (or bar mitzvah with boys) and will be frowned upon by the government.

Citizens who do not use their allotment of paint cards will be rather uncharitably referred to as "Paintstones." (This will be a very serious insult, and in some cases punishable by civil litigation).

Citizens who use up their allotment of paint cards will need to request more from the government.

These hapless folks will be referred to (usually behind their backs) as Paintpigs.

You will not want to be either a "Paintpig" or "Paintstone" in the world of the future, as it will seriously jeopardize your dating/mating possibilities.

Several people will become famous for having produced several exquisitely beautiful tear paintings in one lifetime, although this will of course have all been the work of the government.

But still they will rest in museums, in glass cases lit by track lighting, and people will still whisper in hushed tones in these dark museum chambers the way they do these days looking at the playthings of a pharaoh, or one of his many wives.